Kim Kardashian Mobbed in Cuba By Up to Eleven People

As a sign of improved U.S. Cuban relationships, we sent the Kardashians into Havana. Fuck you for being a pain in the ass for sixty years, Cuba.

The Kardashians paraded through the streets in a Papal like motorcade blaring a message in Spanish that translates roughly to ‘capitalism will get you into this kind of pussy.’ Throngs of a small handful of people rushed their cars when word got out that Khloe’s back fat could cure their psoriasis. Toothless men fondled themselves openly in the streets at the closest thing they’ve seen to pornography since before the revolution. From the windows of the fake front hospital the Cubans built for Michael Moore visits the children waved and realized this was their bright future. I want to be a Kardashian, one little nina said to her Papi who scooped her up and promised he would bootleg enough rum to get her fake breasts for her Quinceañera. Does the American gonorrhea taste different after all these years?

Photo credit: Splash News