Corey Feldman Confirms Pedo Bear Alive and Doing Well in Hollywood

Earlier this week Elijah Wood noted the child acting business was overflowing with pedophiles who had assaulted the rectum of every kid in Hollywood not named Elijah Wood. That’s the story I’d stick with too. Wood backed off his comments after a cadre of fifty-something men in Polanski masks circled him at Whole Foods and asked him if he’d like to keep working.

Corey Feldman jumped into the breach and re-declared the omnipresence of large networks of important people in the industry covering each other on their child molestations. Like Wood, Feldman claims he himself was never raped, though his baseline is Thanksgivings sitting on Michael Jackson’s lap keeping the ungloved hand warm. Feldman notes that middle school aged kids were often invited to adult parties where they were propositioned or coerced into sexual activity. He cites the now dead Corey Haim as being out and out raped at eleven. 

Nobody is naming names which seems rather suspicious. Though not necessarily as suspicious as being a man who chooses an occupation consisting of spending an inordinate amount of alone time with the pretty children of parents determined to see them famous. At least child miners knew how death would come for them. Apply more Bactine. That sphincter looks infected.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}