Mariah Carey Purple Mountains Majesty

Mariah Carey’s lip-synch and girdle tour has reached South Africa. It’s spreading in reverse order of your more common pandemics. The singer is making waves for demanding that the scenic backdrop for her concert performance in Cape Town be lit up in purple to honor Prince and his prescription painkiller overdose.

The backdrop is an entire mountain, the impressive but thoughtlessly named Table Mountain. The government tosses giant flood lights across the mountain face for times of civic or historic significance but it’s not like ordering room service. The power bill’s obscene, even with all the separate but equal black guys running on that giant hamster wheel.

Mariah Carey’s camp quickly fired back that the purple mountain idea wasn’t a demand so much as a request. Could you maybe throw 50,000 kilowatts across that mountain and make it purple? Also, I’d love some funny hand puppetry. Do the one where I stop carrying Nick Cannon’s ass around. 

You confront a diva the same way you take down a schoolyard bully. Look them directly in the eye and tell them their ankles are fat. By the time they twist their heel for a look, you’re the alpha. You get no purple mountain. Here’s a blood diamond and a case of coconut water. Now sing, bitch.