Lindsay Lohan Embraces Allah

Lindsay Lohan is converting to Islam. The burqa should prevent accidental views of her sun and booze ravaged cleavage. It was like walking in on your grandma in the shower. Lohan was observed toting a Quran while doing community service, proving that even super white people who go to jail eventually become Muslims. No word yet on whether she got her GED or befriended a black guy with a crocheted taqiyah. When asked about the Quran, Lohan could not commit to being committed:

“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long.”

Lohan is twelve percent of the reason Muslims chant “Death to America!” The Kardashians are thirty-five percent and MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 is forty-five percent. The small remainder is from droning weddings. If conversion to Islam becomes trendy among America’s most despicably vapid celebrities, ISIS will clamor to rebrand itself. Like when your mom starts singing along to your favorite song or approves of your girlfriend. Allahu Akbar. ISIS are now Mormons. We can stop watching soccer.

Photo credit: Lindsay Lohan / Instagram