Johnny Manziel Hard to Kill

Johnny Manziel has been a famous drunk for so long now it’s hard to imagine he’s only twenty-three. He has a solid ten years before he’s at the Lamar Odom brothel cashing out his life stakes for pussy and death mints. Since being cut by the Browns, akin to being dumped by an ugly girlfriend, Manziel’s been clubbing in L.A. with claims he’s living with various former Browns and Texas A&M teammates who have no idea what Manziel is talking about. So, motel. Last night Manziel was the passenger in a hit and run accident on Sunset Blvd, where both Manziel and the driver fled the scene, presumably to sober up before turning themselves in for the BAC blood test. They teach that move on the first day of drunk driver’s ed.

Manziel was picked up by drug suspended Browns wide-receiver Josh Gordon to complete the Days of Wine and Roses paint by numbers. People who write this off to young guy partying have no ability to distinguish between guys who likes to pound a few kamikazes and get laid and the guys who having kamikazes with their eggs in the morning and have lost their jobs and are facing domestic assault charges in Texas. Your dad was a functional alcoholic. Johnny Manziel will soon be punching and hugging Vince Neil in broad daylight in front of Circus Circus. He probably needs a boot in his ass and some Trainspotting manacles for a month. Money is freedom. I call dibs on his GT-R.