Maria Sharapova Tests Positive

Tennis star and mail-order-bride-look-alike Maria Sharapova has tested positive for meldonium, a substance banned by the World Anti-Doping Agency, the people who made sports less exciting. Uglier tennis players not showered with endorsement deals have orgasmed over the opportunity to self-righteously blast Sharapova. Or they would have orgasmed if the female orgasm weren’t a myth propagated by the liberal media. Meldonium is a drug that has been available since the 1970s, and was only banned as of January 2016. This didn’t stop Amy Fisher doppelganger Jennifer Capriati from verbally bludgeoning Sharapova,

“I didn’t have the high priced team of [doctors] that found a way for me to cheat and get around the system and wait for science to catch up… I had to lose my career and never opted to cheat no matter what. I had to throw in the towel and suffer… In my opinion if its all true every title should be stripped.” 

Serena Williams has lauded Sharapova’s honesty and lack of denial. So brave to be honest after you’ve been caught. It’s unclear why Williams is defending that skinny white bitch other than Williams can leg press six Buick Regals and her time is coming. The game of pretend played among professional athletes and leagues and fans that everybody making seven figures isn’t drugging continues to yield superior results. Bend over and cough if you would please. Not all tests are in the name of science.

Photo credit: Maria Sharapova / Instagram