Madonna Cock Crazy

At a concert in Australia over the weekend, Madonna recited the lament of all sixty-year-old women who relied on their sexual guile before becoming members of AARP, “Fuck me. Please, someone fuck me.” Finally, in a drunken implosion, she has revealed the true source of her angst. No dick.

In recent months, Madonna has been telling anyone who will, or won’t, listen about how much she misses her son, Rocco, who’s caught up in a custody battle between Madonna and ex-husband Guy Ritchie. During the show, she put up pictures of her fifteen-year-old son in the background because that’s how to make it not all about you.

“If I have learned one thing in my life, it is this — just go with it. If you relax, it doesn’t hurt as much.”

If you were in high school and had a friend whose mom was constantly pining for him and showing up at school with his baby pictures, you’d rub your balls on that kid’s face in the gym locker room. Peyton Manning style. Rocco fled to London to avoid such a fate. I’d run another five thousand miles and add some jungle cover. Mummy will find you.

Photo credit: Splash News