Leonardo DiCaprio Goes Doomsday

Leonardo DiCaprio made a rousing environmental speech at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland mashed up from Malthusian forecasts featured in an Inconvenient Truth. He delivered them as only a white Oscar nominated actor can. Grown men wept in their furs and upon their prostitutes. Twice or thrice a year really rich and connected people meet at resorts in Europe to discuss how fossil fuels and corporate greed are causing the destruction of the planet. Also, a final final solution for the Jews, but those meetings are invite only and shrouded in secrecy. The ski resort forums are a good chance to switch out your contacts for glasses and look serious. Leo gave mankind ten more years if we don’t all start putting around in cars moved primarily by canvas sails. Gale force winds might get your SUV to the end of the block. Your kids will be fine staying late at the school run on solar… fuck, they’re dead.

DiCaprio announced donations to animal and nature conservancies around the world to the tune of fifteen million dollars of other people’s money he’s collected at his supermodel filled Riviera fundraisers. He declared that Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates are already working on a zero emissions future. Though for now if you could click on those ads for shitty Windows 10 on Facebook that will help expedite the saving of the planet.

DiCaprio spends more time fucking hot chicks and flying around on his private jet and hosting Justin Bieber mansion BBQs than he does studying the actual science of the environment. But he seems semi-earnest at least in his anecdotal understanding. Celebrities past and present have felt the need to inject themselves into public political debates using information gleaned almost exclusively from their pretend roles in movies. Also, they get briefings. It’s unclear what these briefings are, but they mention them often. I think they’re on Snapchat. If DiCaprio can touch just one soul out there to convert from a life of excess and consumption to thoughtful communal living it will all be worthwhile. If that one soul ever turns out to be himself, it will be even more powerful. The heavens will open up and the angels will sing. DiCaprio will fuck the hot ones mid-song. Devilish bastard.

Photo credit: FameFlynet