Leonardo DiCaprio Raped by Bear

According to early screener reports, Leo DiCaprio is soundly raped by a bear in the new movie Revenant. Either it’s a grizzly or a burly guy named Stephen who needs release after the day shift and Dave and Busters. The film features DiCaprio as a survivalist who does all sorts of unspeakable disgusting outdoorsman shit to stay alive in the woods, save for lighting fossil fuels because of the pact he made at the Paris Climate Summit. Not that India gives a shit. People who’ve seen the film describe the scene as shocking, extraordinary, and akin to watching Lena Dunham with a strapon pegging a twink with a ponytail. Take your pick. Mix in some Bear AIDS and this is how you win awards.