Leo DiCaprio’s Got This

When Leonardo DiCaprio private jets into Paris to knock heads with the head of the UN on halving carbon emissions, you feel covered. The brain power behind either one of these Learning Annex climatologists would send greenhouse gases running scared, together, they’re a Megazord of everybody but me has to start drinking warm soda and traveling by donkey. The polar ice caps are either shrinking or growing, both are worse. If you had plans to summer in Tierra Del Fuego, cancel, it’s missing. Paris was the epicenter of anti-terrorism for one shining moment, but 22,000 climate change attendees from around the world bring in the kind of hotel and hooker dollars that military intelligence lecturers simply can’t. The fundamentalist Muslims have agreed to nix tire burnings and go completely gang rape and drownings. Have you ever fucked a Victoria’s Secret model before, Ban Ki-Moon? Don’t answer that for another couple of hours. The Revenant opens wide next Friday.