When the Least Sympathetic Guy Gets the Most Sympathetic Disease

After decades of massively funded public relations campaigns, HIV and The AIDS are the world’s most sympathetic communicable disease. Getting The AIDS is socially akin to running into a burning house to save a child. Only, you’re running into that house naked and that house is some guy’s ass. The media’s reaction to Charlie Sheen’s HIV positive admission is going to be some kind of tortured political correctness. Charlie Sheen bad. The AIDS good. I completely forgot the rules of moral algebra for canceling out.

Charlie Sheen went on the The Today Show with his The AIDS doctor to assure the world that he is the victim. A victim of vengeful sex partners who have been extorting him over public disclosures of his medical condition. You could look at those vengeful sex partners as opportunistic money grubbing whores, or porn stars who can no longer ever work again and may not have tons of free cash for daily Magic Johnson cocktails.

Sheen assured the world, half of whom he has fucked in a exposed orifice, that since he became aware of his HIV diagnosis, he’s informed all of his partners and engaged in only safe sex. He did cop to two instances where maybe he forgot the condoms. And of course there are those 6,456 times he was too fucked up to remember, but that shouldn’t count.

According to Fox News, Sheen had sex with multiple women just last week and kind of forgot to mention The AIDS thing. It is something you could easily forget when recounting your litany of drug and assault arrests for the more curious dates. Okay, so you chased your then wife around the Christmas Tree with a knife while blitzed on cocaine? Anything else? No? Good, enter me, Charlie, and make me feel whole again.

It’d be easy to say that you deserve what you get for fucking Charlie Sheen. I’ll say that. Maybe not so much for the paid girls needing to make the rent. In the very least, good industry habits require disclosing the deadlier of your sexually transmitted viruses. Sheen’s doctor says that his patient’s HIV is super duper contained, comparing it to how Obama has ISIS contained, so if you’ve fucked Charlie Sheen in the past half sozen years, I’d get an Advanced Directive penned up somewhat expediently. This drama is far from over.