Taylor Swift Countersues Ass Grabber

After a 2013 summer concert stop Taylor Swift told everybody that Denver country music radio DJ David Mueller lifted her skirt and grabbed her ass during a photo op backstage. At the time everybody laughed it off because Taylor Swift has no ass. Also, grabbers gonna grab. Mueller was promptly fired from his radio gig because gone are the days when you can high five the dude at the office who goosed Taylor Swift. Last month Mueller filed a civil suit against Swift saying he was wrongly accused. This week Swift’s attorneys filed a countersuit claiming that Swift is one-hundred totes percent sure Mueller touched her inappropriately leaving her “surprised, upset, offended, and alarmed”. Though she conceded the ass-grabber was likely left “confused, questioning, sad, and disappointed.”

Mueller’s case seems rather weak. Even his defense theory:

Mueller contends that Swift was indeed assaulted, but blames his superior, Eddie Haskell, a program director at KYGO.

Eddie Haskell got you into trouble? Really?

If there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s don’t fuck with Taylor Swift. She’s rich and powerful and will hurt you until you bleed through your notes. In song or in court. David Muller, you’ve been served a little Swift justice! Does it taste like vitamin pills?