Gigi Hadid Tells the Cutest Stories

With her mom cooling out in the Lyme disease iron lung, somebody needs to step in to young model Gigi Hadid’s life and help her perfect her cutesy stories about her obligatory gay boyfriend. Every supermodel has one. There’s no shame. But you need to get in there with romantic anecdotes laced with technically non-perjurious hints of sexual passion. He laid out rose petals across my entire apartment floor which I followed to a bathtub where we… well, you know. Yes, we do know. He went into an hour long explanation about how he found the most wonderful florist and couldn’t believe cottage roses were still available this late in the season. Instead, Gigi Hadid came up with a tale about how she turned down Joe Jonas initially for a date when he asked her to a baseball game seven years ago at the Grammy’s:

I was so nervous; I literally didn’t even know what it meant to hang out with a boy. And also, Grammys are on a Sunday, and I didn’t want to tell him that I had school the next day, so I was like, ‘No, maybe next time.

That’s because you were thirteen and he was turning twenty. Your beard cutesy cover story is icky. Do the one with the roses or maybe casually drop how you spent the weekend together in a beautiful city but never explored or even got out of bed! Add the exclamation point. It resembles an erect penis and helps emphasize the crazy sex you two had. Quit it with the stranger danger he was so hot when he hit on me in middle school stories. That’s no win. Serial killers don’t use the cover story of being ex-con rapists now working the docks on the graveyard shift. Make up something better or find a straight boyfriend. Ask mom to tap the lung twice if she agrees.