Rosie O’Donnell’s Daughter Is Missing

Technically, when you’re seventeen and you take your purse and your dog and you head to Manhattan, you’re not missing so much as you are running away to meet a boy. But you can’t whip up a feverish rescue effort for an almost barely legal teen off to the big city to find comfort in the arms of penis. Especially when she’s running from Rosie O’Donnell and her compiled brood of seventy-four children like a new millennium lesbian Fagin. Chelsea O’Donnell was last seen a week ago at one of Rosie’s upstate New York homes by her French-Guatemalan-Cambodian mixed maid and bowling pin re-setter. Why wait a week to report your child is missing? Either it took you that long to notice or you debated whether to go public with your teen packing her shit and getting the hell out after your ninth divorce. Maybe she just favors Trump in your debate. I bet he finds her first. Call your mom, Chelsea. Nobody deserves not to know where their kids are.