ISIS Also Islamically Rapes

In a not surprising revelation, the chief beards of ISIS like to rape women. Before the beheadings and the ritualistic tire burnings. Maybe sometimes after as well if it’s a Saturday and Allah’s been very good to you. The Quran apparently understands that infidels with vaginas need to be fucked hard before being sent to Satan. Pretty convenient liturgical shit if you’re a dude with seventeen fugly dry wives.

An escaped prisoner of ISIS reported that she spent time with American relief worker hostage Kayla Mueller who was routinely raped by ISIS leader Abu Bakr Baghdadi before she was murdered. This presents a huge conundrum for President Obama who loves to publicly denounce ‘rape’ but refuses to utter ‘Islamic terrorist’ in any context. It’s also unclear if this now means Western feminists will jump on board the Trump plan to seize all ISIS money, shove bombs up their horses’ asses, and then make them watch endless repeats of I Am Cait until they disembowel themselves with folded toilet paper rolls. In the very least, if you have a female family member who raises the idea of an adventure vacation in Northern Syria, redirect her to Club Med. Even French herpes is better than death.