Shit Not To Do When Playing Soccer (VIDEO)

I don’t know much about soccer other than it’s super popular in nations with poorly funded rec centers. You need lots of dirt and lots of malnourished kids to run eleven marathons in an effort to score one single fucking goal so everybody can go search for unattended scrap metal. Women’s soccer is the same, only by definition forty-percent less interesting, which places it on par with watching your balls air dry. The only way to truly fail at this sport is by accidentally knocking the ball into your own net. Do not fucking accidentally knock the ball into your own net. There’s an urban legend about a Columbian soccer player who did this in a big match and was shot to death five days later. Only, it’s not urban legend. It happened during the Word Cup in 1994. That’s Andres Escobar below. He dead.

England defender Laura Bassett accidentally booted a ball into a perfect shot on her own goal in the World Cup that gave WWII Imperial Japan the win in stoppage time. Don’t ask me what the fuck stoppage time is, just know you play through it. Everybody’s first thought was, fuck, Bassett just cluster fucked the British Empire. Their followup move was to rush to her defense and pretend she bears no blame. But nobody buys the no blame bullshit when children are weeping in the streets. Somebody has to be strung up. It’s Bassett. She’s fucked. She’d be wise shave her head, pack a duffel with essentials, and flee to poverty-stricken Sri Lanka. Soccer’s big there, naturally.