Cara Delevingne Takes Her Fake Lesbianism Seriously

Vogue magazine is under fire. Not for making women feel fat and undesirable and blaming it on far-fetched male standards of female beauty even though no men work for Vogue. But because they wrote an article about Cara Delevingne where they suggested her scissor kissing escapades might just be a phase or a way to get back at her mother who was a heroin addict throughout Cara’s childhood. Both of which seem entirely plausible. 13,000 people signed their names on a petition site where lazy activism has now settled insisting this reporter’s “lesbian phase” suggestion was homophobic, even though it’s almost certainly true.

Lesbianism is where upscale young women have turned for social acceptance since adding cocaine to their organic cold pressed juice diets became more than their allowance. At some point we need to start pointing fingers at 20-something guys. Don’t take this the wrong way, millennial men, but all your chicks are banging other chicks. Have you noticed you’re all home in your porkpie hats spinning vinyl and memorizing Rachel Maddow rants and you can still hear girls moaning through the apartment walls. God didn’t give you a dick just to feel guilty while reading rape culture essays. Get in there and claim your birthright. Maybe ask nicely if her friend wants to stay.