Selena Gomez Discovers the Tingle of Self-Satisfaction

The second law of the intellectually challenged version of Newtonian physics states that for every social media trend, there is a counter-trend of equally moronic proportions. Insecure celebrities post self-promotional photos and platitudes with hearts so that girls who don’t see the value in Algebra can praise them with poor grammar. Trolls appear to shame the celebrities with third grade insults. The targets of derision claim for themselves the ultimate high ground of being happy with themselves. Self-satisfaction is the pinnacle of personal achievement. I think it used to be dedication or charity or something stupid.

Selena Gomez went onto Twitter to assure people that comments about her chub rub aren’t going to make her feel any less awesome about raking in ten mill a year being a singer who can’t sing. Or the fact that she’s had Justin Bieber’s Canadian pee-pee in her pipes.

Sometimes I get frustrated when I hear lies about who I am. The Internet is meant to keep you ‘updated’ but it just takes old news and freezes it like it’s now.” You have watched me in pain and I’ve owned up to it through my music and actions. I grew up with you.” I am beyond excited to show you the next chapter, the TRUTH. I’ve been keeping so many secrets. I’m reborn in every moment so who knows what I’ll become. As long as I’m happy with me. #strongisbeautiful #healthyperspectiveonthemfools.

I’m not one to put two and two together, but this certainly sounds inspired by, if not ripped off from Vagina Dad as he burst forth from his Malibu pupae into Caitlyn stage. I’ve been through the struggle of being rich and famous. I’ve got secrets. My TRUTH is in all caps. Don’t throw me in the briar patch. I’ve already won.

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