Charlie Sheen Winning Less

Paramedics were called to Charlie Sheen’s coke compound at eleven at night because he was suffering from food poisoning. Drink some Gatorade and if you call us back we’re writing you a ticket. Whoever called didn’t dial 911, but the fire department which doesn’t record calls and therefore we won’t hear audio of your seizing head slapping the marble floor on the late local news. The food poisoning excuse seems to be exceptionally lame because Sheen hasn’t eaten a meal since Ferris Bueller and survives on crack rocks and intravenous McChickens. He is currently not working and living off the hundred million dollars he made by showing up on set after not sleeping for a week and delivering bad lines with a lack of enthusiasm while wearing a stupid bowling shirt. On top of that your aunt has the nerve to say he’s cute. The pool of vomit goes well over there. Over under I’ll give him ten years to live. He had a good run. It’s all downhill from here. Call the gaggle of porn stars he’s got one more left in him. Change the locks, the kids might want to say goodbye. How’s your tiger blood working now?

Photo Credit: Twitter