Tom Brady Guilty As Charged

The NFL finally released their report on the ubiquitous and ultimately trivial Deflate Gate and found the Patriots are shady as fuck. The report comes just in time for nobody to give a shit anymore, since the NFL Draft just happened and the NBA Playoffs are in full swing and you’re still allowed to get drunk at baseball games for the time being. Tom Brady was singled out as being either involved or at least aware of deflation going on. The report notes a “material increase” in phone communication between Brady and two equipment managers shortly after the scandal went public. In short, Brady bribed two schlubs to deflate the balls with a few cell phone pics of his wife wasted on Peach Schnapps. The report doesn’t mince words, although stops short of directly accusing the Patriots but letting ownership off the hook because they go to the same golf course:

“We have concluded that it is more probable than not that New England Patriots personnel participated in violations of the NFL Playing Rules and were involved in a deliberate attempt to circumvent those rules… Based on the evidence, we also have concluded that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities…”

Of course it’s possible Tom Brady often talks to crusty equipment managers via text message yet they still acted alone. The texts don’t look good. Patriots equipment guy Jim McNally, who was born a few years too late for Watergate, sent the following:

“Tom sucks… I’m going to make this next ball a fuckin balloon.”

Look for absolutely nothing to happen in the wake of the report. The Patriots still won the Super Bowl and still make the NFL billions of bitcoins and American dollars. Tom Brady is like a goose that shits golden eggs. You give him a tap on the beak and tell him no cookies for a week. When in doubt, just remind everybody this isn’t even as close to as bad as when Belichick filmed his opponents practices or Aaron Hernandez killed a guy or three during his offseason workouts. Because that’s true!

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