Matthew McConaughey Well Read

The University of Houston paid Matthew McConaughey $135,000 to deliver a commencement speech to their graduating class who at some point must have wondered why their tuition was high. You’ll soon be unemployed and McConaughey’s cornball platitudes make for great cardboard sign material. The University received some backlash when it was discovered they were wasting people’s money but they stand by their decision because McConaughey generates a lot of publicity, as would the Dean if he sucked his own dick on the news. McConaughey has a tenuous connection to the university because his dad played football there and he also banged a few coeds after his speech. He says he will be donating the money to charity because he desperately wants to seem likable and will also be suing the shit out of whoever leaked his appearance fee. The speech itself was filled with head scratchers but still received a standing ovation because effort should be rewarded even if coming from an under-qualified mimbo:

“We write our own book, overcoming our fears. We make friends with ourselves. And that is the place that I’m talking about.”

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I can’t remember who spoke at my college graduation because I was black out drunk but I’m going out on a limb and claim it was a scientist. If Bob Saget had been available I might have sobered up. The lord works in mysterious ways. He won an Oscar.

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