Hailey Baldwin Might Get Left Behind

Remember that time you and your friends all decided school was for losers and you were going to be famous models together and then that happened for a bunch of you but one of you got left behind because you weren’t so particularly right for modeling? Stephen Baldwin seems good at those life lesson talks. He used to ride his skateboard in Venice and convince kids that Jesus was better than drugs and he knew because he was currently wicked fucking high. It’s not a bad idea to consider that vocational workshop sponsored by the Quick Service Restaurant industry.

When I was a kid my baseball coach told me to quit because I’d never be a good ball player. My school counselor told me my motto should be ‘go ugly early’ and apply that to every facet of my life. My parents sat me down and told me I was adopted from a woman too retarded to care for me, which after three years of investigation I learned wasn’t even true. They were just embarrassed. Today’s inclusiveness and everybody’s a winner mentality have left this poor girl thinking she’s a model. It starts with trophies for pissing in the potty and ends with Kelly Osbourne being a beauty expert. Kids should think they’re crap and then be pleasantly surprised by life’s little victories. I just solved drug abuse and teen pregnancy. You’re welcome.

Photo Credit: Jalouse Magazine