Conrad Hilton Cops A Plea

Conrad Hilton has plead guilty to one count of Simple Assault which carries a max of six months in prison or half an hour picking up discarded tabloids with your face on them if you have a decent lawyer. Hilton threw a tantrum on a plane and threatened to fight a bunch of male flight attendants because scuffling with lithesome gay men is how you make your bones. Then he smoked a joint in the bathroom. This ruffled some feathers because smoking on a plane is considered worse than taking over the helm and chanting Allahu Akbar while nosediving the aircraft. Hilton also bragged about being rich and getting people fired, which didn’t happen although he was handcuffed to his seat:

“I will fucking own anyone on this flight, they are fucking peasants. I could get you all fired in five minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before. Dad paid $300,000 last time.”

Hilton’s defense rested on blaming Ambien for his aberrant behavior, but several experts testified that Ambien makes you sleep walk, not be an insufferable asshole. Hilton will be arraigned on Thursday. Expect a stern lecture and a less stern punishment from a judge who will be spending his Arbor Day vacation at the Hilton Waikoloa Village having his feet massaged by Korean girls adept at hiding their tears.

Photo Credit: Twitter