Kelly Osbourne Tug Boat

Kelly Osbourne remains a mystery. A not particularly fetching woman without particular skills who seems to make numerous work place demands. Osbourne is threatening to leave Fashion Police if the racist air is not cleared regarding Giuliana Rancic’s not racist comment about Zendaya Coleman’s fake dreadlocks at the Oscars. You could ask why the zaftig hobnobber has inserted herself needlessly in the middle of this fake controversy, but then you’d be missing her entire reason for being. E! producers on break from praising their Demon Lord for the Kardashians and stupid people forced Rancic to issue a rote on-air apology to Zendaya for reading somebody else’s tired, but not-racist joke.

That amends rings nearly as hollow as Rancic herself. But it allows Osbourne to claim the mantle of race relations maven and helps teach our young people valuable lessons about pantomimed remorse and the value in being universally offended. I hope Joan Rivers is haunting these horrible people in their bedrooms at night. Preferably in naked ghost form.