Fifty Shades of Grey Claims First Victim

It was only a matter of time before the heathen sex highlighted in the mommy porn Fifty Shades of Grey inspired somebody to cross the line between pleasure and pain. A University of Chicago freshman got his girlfriend into the bound and gagged and blindfolded bit in his bedroom. She seemed to be into the moment. Even when he removed her underwear. Exciting stuff. I’m kind of breathless here with my cheesecake bites. Then he started whacking her with a belt, because What Would Christian Grey Do? That’s sort of the moment where the rubber meets the road in this whole BDSM mélange. She told him it was too hard and hurt her and she started crying. So, he started punching her. Then penetrated her. Then got arrested for criminal sexual assault with the only excuse that he thought she was into reliving the dungeon moments of Fifty Shades.

Here’s the thing about letting a nineteen year old boy tie you up naked to his bed, blindfold you, gag you, and whip you — you’re going to be fucked. It might be something you someday memorialize in your erotic diaries, it might be rape that shatters you as a person. But it’s going to happen. I don’t know why crazy kids can’t stick to unprotected banging and the occasional unwanted pregnancy or STD kerfuffle. Should you ever find yourself in a position where you’re hurting a woman because you imagine she likes it, stop. Even in the minuscule possibility she’s digging it and you can actually control yourself, you’re still one shade away going to prison.

Photo credit: Cook County Sheriff’s Office