Emile Hirsch Knows The Drill

Emile Hirsch predictably checked into rehab following being charged with felony assault. It’s always been easier to blame your tendency to choke women on pills and booze than your broken psyche. Do a quick experiment and get black out drunk then see if you kill any hookers. I’m assuming the answer is no. That’s called a scientific control. Note Hirsch didn’t check into rehab following his actual choking incident. That happened three weeks ago. The timing happens to coincide with a mandatory court date and seems designed to curry favor with the judge. This means Hirsch continued his career long bender until being able to verify he’d be charged with a crime. Had a few papers been misfiled he’d still be out snorting and choking. His lawyer issued a statement while sounding like he hates his job:

“The facts that I can relay are that he consumed an enormous amount of alcohol on the evening in question and he doesn’t have any memory of what happened at the time of the allegations. However, Emile takes these allegations very seriously, and is devastated that any of this has occurred. A few days after the incident, Emile sought help and checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation facility, where he remains today, to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.”

Redacted he’ll be out boozing during his forty hours of court appointed graffiti spectating following a blow job under the bench. I deeply wish he’d go to prison so I could forget about him and then ask if he is still in prison five years from now to a gallery of blank stares. Not going to happen. Into the Wild. Hollywood loves a recovering addict.

Photo credit: Splash News