Bruce Jenner Won’t Be Going to Women’s Lockup

Bruce Jenner was not texting while driving when he fatally killed an old lady in a Lexus while towing his dune buggy and trying to blend in. Reports had him holding something in his hand which appeared to be a cell phone, which is illegal in California unless you’re calling your agent or your pharmacist. Fortunately for Jenner he was just hand rolling a loose leaf cigarette and moistening it shut with the fresh honeycomb on his passenger seat so all is forgiven.

In California you can put on makeup while driving, eat a five dollar meatball sub, or shoot pool on one of those tiny tables you get in Sky Mall. You just can’t use your phone. This is because everyone has a phone and almost everyone uses it at some point so the police are able to fill their quotas. Texting and driving is a terrible thing and you shouldn’t do it. You probably also shouldn’t be over the age of 75 or filming some bullshit reality stunt using the paparazzi you phoned in either but fuck it. I’ve got enough points off my license. Proceed at your own risk.

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