Ariana Grande Headlines All Star Game

The NBA has a firm grasp on its fan base. They’ve tapped a dwarf who wears cat ears and appeals to modestly reformed pederasts on the loophole that she is technically an adult, all be it with a glaring hormone imbalance, to headline the All Star Game’s Halftime Show. Her performance should be fittingly bland so as to not distract from a game where the players jog around hungover and text groupies from the bench. You don’t want Outkast showing up and everyone leaving for the second half. Grande’s performance should add to an overall feeling of disappointment for anyone who makes the mistake of watching this game on TV instead of going to the park. It should have zero effect on the scores of gang members who make the annual trek to instigate brawls and shootings. They are generally immune to the beguiling of a super precocious slut child and her lip synching.

Photo Credit: Instagram