Sony Won’t Back Down After Total Surrender

As Amy Pascal tried to hide in Manhattan, Sony announced it would not bow down to terrorists. When making a bold statement of resolve, it is important to first bend over and allow your opponent to fuck your repeatedly in the ass until they’re spent and tired and in need of a nap. That’s where true victory lies, the big score after the game has ended and the fans have all gone home, with the jizz of your enemy pooling in your bloodied bottom.

Sony got serious about releasing The Interview right after announcing it would not release the film. They hired famed attorney David Boies who helped Al Gore become not President in 2000 to lead the effort with bullshit statements and half-truths. Boies immediately clarified that Sony’s pulling of the film was merely a planned delay, sort of like when you ditch your girl at the altar to go on a sex tour of Thailand you’re merely delaying your nuptials. At $1400 an hour, he wasn’t finished:

I think that what we have to do is use the president’s recognition of the importance of this issue as a rallying cry, so that all Americans can unite against what is really a threat to our national security.

Right there’s your Braveheart, bitch. You could almost see the streams of supporters following Obama’s limp dicked speech about getting back at North Korea like he was Rocky stretching the limits of his lungs up the Philadelphia Museum of Art stairs. The Interview isn’t just a film going to pay-per-view, it’s a film you have to rent if you love your mother and America. Sony had this figured out all along. They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom.

Photo credit: INF Photos