Nicky Hilton Is Now Boring in a Bikini

When the answer is Paris Hilton and the question is which Hilton sister got all the charm, you might as well wrist cut your way out of the Jeopardy competition if you’re the other one. There’s an opiated elderly woman in Western China who has barely moved on a porch rocking chair for the past thirty years as her teeth drop into the crusty mound of feces beneath her who’d make better company for a two hour layover than Nicky Hilton. Both speak in short monosyllabic grunts, but if you linger long enough with Old Mrs. Chao, you’ll hear the story about the time Mao and his Red Army rode through the valley and used her like a semen cushion between battles. That beats a Nicky Hilton purse shopping yarn by several leagues.

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