Leonardo DiCaprio Seems To Be Handling His Breakup Okay

Leonardo DiCaprio might be the sole human person at Art Basel in Miami who understands the true purpose of the pretentious event — bang the mustard out of ambitious young models hoping to build entries for their herpetic celebrity scrapbooks. According to a source who meets the New York Daily News standard of being both anonymous and questionable to the point of likely being made up by their own staff, Leonardo DiCaprio ditched a celebrity loaded party in Miami and took all twenty hot chicks in the VIP section with him, presumably to a location just north of his taint. If it’s true, it’s a cocksman power move like none other, especially since that German model he just broke up with was milling around somewhere in the area.

DiCaprio isn’t just plowing the snot out of models in multiples, he’s doing so while drinking himself a nice paunch and growing the bad ponytail and beard combo. This makes him the ultimate man’s man. It’s a fuck you to every restrictive rule ever written. Somewhere on his iPhone is a picture of him with a Double Double in one hand, a cold beer in the other hand, as he spunks so forcefully into the back of a seven girl naked dutch model human centipede that Sophie at the head of the chain spits out his jizz. If God ever sees that photo, he’ll take Leo into heaven and challenge him to a fist fight. No man was meant to fly this close to the sun.