Yelp Is Full Of Shit

David Cerretini owns Botto Bistro in gang infested Richmond, California. Cerretini used to advertise his place on Yelp. When he stopped he began to get increasingly bad reviews on the site. His theory is Yelp does this on purpose, filtering out negative reviews for paying advertisers, and even trolling those who stop paying. It’s a nefarious Mafia dictating the dinner dates of pretentious metrosexuals. Cerretini is now offering a discount to customers who give his restaurant a one star review on Yelp out of protest. This strategy seems to have its ups and downs. He could serve a group of diners botulism and pass off their negative Yelp review as strong solidarity. On the other hand potential customers not following petty disputes with Yelp, who make up one hundred percent of the adult population, could see the bad rating and assume the place is fucking gross, not to mention in Richmond.

Yelp does seem somewhat less objective when it comes to their paid business members. Try to write a negative review after Olive Garden garnishes your bolognese with a syringe and you won’t see it appear on the site. If you have ever worked in a restaurant you are aware that they call and harass you constantly to plead for money. Congress will address this during a special emergency hearing to be held immediately, putting ISIS and Ebola on the back burner while we get to the bottom of what is really ailing this country: Yelp being full of shit. Also those hackers showing us topless pictures of crazy hot celebrities. That shit has go to stop. Obama!

Photo Credit: Yelp.com