Vice Sold Out, Big Fucking Whoop

Post-racial 20-somethings who attend spin classes in lower Manhattan were shocked to wake up today and learn that Vice magazine editors kill stories unfavorable to their large corporate sponsors. In shocking revelations made by Charles Davis, a Vice Media writer who can no longer brag to people at Book Soup events that he is a Vice Media writer, senior people with senior jobs at Vice frequently halted stories he wrote exposing large corporate entities as shameless profiteers and exploiters of the working man. And women. Hot naked women. I added that last part because I don’t have anybody censoring my stories, though I probably should.

Gawker was quick to jump down the throat of Vice since everybody at Gawker secretly wishes they worked at Vice. Anybody who thinks a major media outlet abides by objective standards of journalism has been watching way too many Aaron Sorkin shows. One is actually too many. Here’s a general rule of thumb. You don’t become a billion dollar business with Rupert Murdoch shoving his off the books Asian poon money down your throats without abiding by the old standard of making the customer happy. The reader is the consumer, not the customer. The customer is the advertisers who pay for your employees to ride overly expensive collapsable bicycles to work. Grow the fuck up, Mr. Davis. If you want pristine art, get a chisel and whatever it is you call that thing you hit a chisel with and craft a sculpture. Nobody edits sculpture, save for religious zealots who do like to hack off genitalia. So sculpt a eunuch deep in thought.

Vice fired Davis with the claim that he fell asleep during a meeting because everybody falls asleep in meetings so it’s impossible to deny. They seized his laptop and forced him to buy a subscription to no less than four underground skater magazines.  All of which seems a pretty shitty way to handle a muckraking Turk who hasn’t yet been assimilated by the Borg. The good news is Davis can now post his no holds barred exposes on corporate corruption to his Blogspot entirely unmoderated for his parents and friends to read and moderately laud.

Vice, call me. I’m a versatile editorial top and a total fucking whore. I will work for previously unreleased Arcade Fire tracks and coupons for Asian fusion cuisine.  I think McDonald’s defines hip and the NFL adores women. Virgin Mobile shits angels. Let’s do this.