President Names Ebola Czar to Wrap This Shit Up

It’s hard to pinpoint when the government begrudgingly admits it has no idea how to handle a problem. But you could go with the moment the Commander in Chief announces he’s naming a Czar to handle the situation. Obama named an Ebola Czar this morning and you could hear billions of microscopic West African viral cells kind of giggling. Naming a Presidential Czar is like telling your girlfriend you’re going to change. It makes everybody feel better for about five minutes, maybe buys you one more toss in the sock, then in the morning everybody realizes it’s just an empty gesture. This as opposed to telling your girlfriend that you’re going to ban travel to and from the three West African nations where 99.5% of all Ebola cases originate.

“It may make sense for us to have one person … so that after this initial surge of activity, we can have a more regular process just to make sure that we’re crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s going forward,” — Handsomest President ever

By crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s, Obama might be minimizing the fact that absolutely not a single effectual step has been taken to date. Until now. President Obama named political hack Ron Klain to be the new Ebola Czar this morning. I don’t follow politics too much because I find it as boring as watching toxic paint dry while I inhale the fumes and slowly macerate my brain with lead, but I remembered that name from somewhere. He was the dude who frantically ran around Florida in 2000 heading up the Gore recount efforts. So, the guy who screamed a lot and then famously lost. Consider this nut cracked.

If serious speeches and agreeing to fund bowling museums in Midwestern towns can’t solve this Hot Zone crisis, nothing can. Okay, maybe more of those canisters they keep using to spray down infected people’s apartments might also help. We’re going to need a ton more canisters.

Photo: That’s Ron Klain and Kevin Spacey who played him in the HBO movie Recount about the 2000 election. If Kevin Spacey played you in a movie, you can’t fucking lose. (Getty Images)