Miss America Plays the Red Cup (VIDEO)

Remember when Donald Trump started his own beauty pageant and said fuck the talent portion and the gowns, let’s just get some prostitutes out there with big hair in tiny bikinis and pick a girl who says she hates illiteracy? I don’t really either. But I do know nobody gives a shit anymore about Miss America. Not because the entire idea of a beauty pageant is a tired tradition dating back to a time when spank banks were super lean on content options. Or because Atlantic City is now Detroit by the Sea, a town that peaked in the years when they still shoved horses off of diving boards. But because whoever is in charge owes some money to somebody so now we just get Russian girls from New York being crowned every year.

Kira Kazantsev sat on stage and slapped a red cup on the ground like a deformed street urchin trying to scratch out coins for sustenance. What the fuck was that? You couldn’t learn a couple notes on the violin or how to assemble a Habitrail in under sixty seconds?

The reason why I chose to do that talent is I wanted every single little girl in America to be able to see that you can do that talent — you can do whatever talent you want on national television — even with a red cup — and still be Miss America and have the time of your life.

So, Uncle Yuri told you it was in the bag so you decided to rub it in the face of the bitches behind you from the less connected states? Kazantsev said she wants to use her title to battle sexual assault in the military. Presumably by smacking her red cup in a cadence that calms the savagery of rape. It’s probably time for somebody to put the Miss America Pageant out of its misery. This long, slow, bed-sore ridden death is hard to watch.

Photo Credit: Splash