Derrick Rose Doesn’t Dance

When Team America was receiving their gold medals for the FIBA Basketball World Cup, all the players suddenly broke out into that half assed dance people do when they’re spending EBT money on bottle service. Except for Derrick Rose, who stood there with the posture of a designated driver who is ready to leave the party because being sober truly sucks. Rose has always refused to shimmy with his teammates. His pragmatic wet blanket views on the subject should lead his teammates to some serious self-reflection:

“They show it forever so it’s going to be bad… I don’t like seeing people embarrass themselves… Like in a movie, I’ll turn the channel if somebody’s about to embarrass themselves or something like that. So for me to do it, it would be crazy… There’s a time and a place for that, and I don’t think its right then and there.”

Having one non jackass on a twelve man roster is better than nothing. It mathematically represents the ratio of ass to non-ass found in most sports. Rose deserves a commendation for what was clearly a brave sacrifice. That’s assuming he was really taking a principled stand and not just afraid his crackerjack knee would scatter into forty-seven pieces if he attempted one Cabbage Patch.