Lindsay Lohan Bikini Misdirection

Lindsay Lohan posted a bikini pic to Instagram where she looks like a legit nine, minus a point for the scabies bites. The heavy shadows help to obscure a plethora of bruises, gashes, knife wounds, shrapnel scars, skin grafts and botched cocaine pinky fingernail amputations. Lindsay’s like that yard weed you just can’t eradicate. No matter how much planet-destroying poison you drop or rip it to shreds with your primal hands, it comes back looking relatively healthy like a fucking middle finger to your claim to the  top of the food chain.

Lohan is the most confusing of all the women you’ve ever had the pleasure of mentally banging. Like one of those forced perspective Vermeer paintings, she looks amazing from far away but when you approach its just a jumbled mess of sloppy cracked paint hastily thrown together by a guy on the juice. It’s jarring when you warm up jerking off to this photo on her Instagram and click the one to the right of it, revealing you’ve been pleasuring yourself to the equivalent of your mother’s sympathy bingo partner. It’s the social media Crying Game.

Photo Credit: Instagram