Hayden Panettiere Is Knowingly Pregnant

Hayden Panettiere kept her hand dramatically on her womb most of the Emmys night just in case anybody didn’t realize she was pregnant. For the slower witted, Hayden massaged her teats until a milky like silicon colloid oozed from her nipples. The anorexic tanned hostess from E! caught Hayden referring to the baby as ‘her’ then cackled with delight as much as somebody who hasn’t eaten since the Spring of ’07 can cackle. Not exactly a Dan Rather-Richard Nixon moment, but for people who live vicariously through pregnant young Hollywood midgets, it was like the invention of fire. Women like to monitor other women’s pregnancies the way men follow sports teams. If they could, women would wear the jerseys of their pregnant friends inappropriately to formal occasions.The fact that unwed mothers can freely walk the red carpet of award shows side by side with lesbian adoptive parents and transgendered actresses shows exactly how progressive Hollywood truly is. Also, why I no longer masturbate during the Red Carpets until I know exactly who is tucking away a dick or not.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Getty