Gwyneth Paltrow Is Deeply Amazing

When word got out that Chris Martin was dating Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow and her rapid response team of semi-psychotic public relations yentas leapt into action. There was a explosive dispersement of stories to the major magazines about how Gwyneth was being courted by one of the dudes who created Glee. In fact, it was suggested, maybe the pair had been canoodling for some time. In your face, Gay Beethoven. As if Gwyneth couldn’t instantly replace you with another effeminate creative genius who hates himself enough to date you.

Part two of the public reputation saving plan launched this week as Gwyneth’s circle of celebrity minor friends like Jessica Seinfeld suddenly began Tweeting about what an amazing person she is.

I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many.

There were a bunch of smiley face and fireworks and glittery emoticons in the quote as well I can’t reproduce because I’m using WordPress and I’m not an eleven year old girl . If any of my friends ever sent me firework emoticons, I’d inform them we were no longer bunking head to foot at Burning Man. But I’m not deeply and intensely loved as Gwyneth Paltrow, the North Star of friends.

It used to be you had to circumnavigate the globe in a creaky clipper ship to earn such an impressive nickname. Now recommending an earth-friendly conditioner and sending autographed photos of yourself to your friends for their birthdays will do. If Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence get engaged, expect to see Gwyneth receiving a medal from Obama in the Rose Garden for having flawless skin. She’s not being one-upped again.

Photo credit: Jessica Seinfeld/Instagram