Simon Cowell Declared Gay in Court

A music manager in British X-Factor Judge Tulisa Contostavlos’ drug trial  was heard on an audiotape played in court saying that Simon Cowell was gay. It had nothing at all to do with the drug trial, but the judge allowed it to be heard so the media could freak the fuck out. The music manager quickly came out and admitted he was lying on the audiotape to impress his cohort, but that has not stopped people from speculating on Cowell’s sexuality since it’s very difficult to distinguish if British men are gay or merely British. In America straight guys spill barbecue sauce on their football jerseys and bitch about not getting blown. In England, straight guys dress snappy and talk about art and culture and then blow each other.

Since Cowell’s main project over the past twelve months was fucking around with his married friend’s wife then knocking her up and taking her away from him, he’s either gloriously heterosexual or the cruelest gay dude ever. I know, I can’t make up my mind yet either.

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