Sandra Bullock Is Trying to Age

Sandra Bullock is set to star in an upcoming movie as Brownie Wise, who was a director of marketing for Tupperware. The film will chronicle Wise’s life and the spellbinding story of how Tupperware became a successful plastic container company. If you’re wondering why you’re storing your weed in a container marked Tupperware, this movie won’t show you that. But it’ll still seem interesting if you’re really fucking high.

This bland mature market film role is part of Bullock’s plan to accelerate her menopausal process, which she has been looking forward to since college. Bullock has taken up adopted motherhood, attending flea markets, and joined a book club in recent years in an attempt to convince American males that her humonkous is a barren desert. She will soon be doing Activia spots and then an audio tape of her saying something horrifyingly racist about the Civil War Reconstruction will surface. It will be a dark day for American males as we realize yet another chick we used to masturbate to is now an asexual woman wearing cardigans in home decor magazines. It’s like a little death.

Photo credit: Splash News