Ray Rice Gets Not So Punished

The NFL suspended Ravens running back Ray Rice two games for knocking out his fiancee and dragging her by her hair. The pair have since married because when you can fell your lady with one punch, it’s like pulling Excalibur from the stone, it’s preordained that she’s your bitch. Rice is now in an intensive treatment program that tells people not to knock their fiancees completely unconscious because hair dragging is very caveman and looks shitty on security cameras. Apparently the 130 pound chick was not so innocent, which the Ravens made sure to Tweet out of faieness:

“Janay Rice says she deeply regrets the role that she played the night of the incident.”

The Ravens followed up by clarifying the Sandusky kids played a role in their rape assaults as well by taking showers after practice. Two games for beating the shit out of a girlfriend seems light in a league where you get harsher suspensions for smoking weed or taking the steroids your team doctor is throwing in your back window under cover of darkness. The lesson here is to stay away from running backs. Short guys with thick legs have bad tempers. I know you think that’s a generalization, but when you look around at the guys you know like this, you’ll see I’m right. It’s God’s way of tipping you off to make your exit when that mini-Mac truck starts drinking.