Morrissey Will Only Hurt Humans

Morrissey’s ex bodyguard Bradley Steyn is suing the British singer because he claims Morrissey pushed him to kick some guy’s ass. That guy was running a fan site about Morrissey which provided some personal details of Morrissey’s life, like how he cuddles with sprouted tofu and has no penis. Steyn claims Morrissey asked if there was a way the guy ‘could get hurt.’ That is usually a euphemism for physical violence but since Morrissey has the emotional strength of a nine year old Swedish child he may have just wanted Steyn to ‘hurt’ his feelings by telling him he had buck teeth.

Steyn claims Morrissey’s tour manager asked if he could kill the guy right in front of Morrissey, who had previously tried summoning the animals of the ancient forest to no avail. Steyn said he was not a killer and being Morrissey’s bodyguard was work enough, since even the slightest bit of physical contact would leave Morrissey with a bruise the size of a free trade rutabaga. The lawsuit sounds pretty bogus. Vegans don’t actually order hits on bloggers even when the anemic shakes leave them semi-coherent. Morrissey is more likely to write an eleven minute ballad about sobbing deer than he is use the word murder in a sentence. ‘d say Steyn gets $25K to go away and we get a fun story about an annoying dick. Everybody wins.

enough, although it would not be surprising to learn Morrissey is overly vindictive and prone to dramatic flights of fantasy because he is a bitch on his period.

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