Malia Obama Topless! Fuck You, I’m Kidding, Obama, Don’t Drone Me

I didn’t expect the Hollywood photo agencies to fold like my grandma playing poker at the Fremont when they got shots of Malia Obama at a celebrity hangout in Venice wearing what has been described as ‘grown up’ clothing. Malia’s in Hollywood this summer pretending to intern for Halle Berry on her new TV show. Sweet gig if you can get it. When Obama staffers got wind of the photos, they dialed the AKM-GSI photo agency and insisted they remove the photos and triple erase their hard-drives containing any of the media. The Obamas claimed privilege on a deal they have with photo agencies to never show pictures of their daughters without their dad. That doesn’t sound like a deal so much as a polite request from the guy who is besties with the IRS Chief.

Many people are citing the the longstanding tradition of the press excluding the First Kids from their news coverage. I guess like the tradition of Presidential kids interning for Halle Berry and putting on tight tank tops to hit the trendy bars in Venice. Outside of their ability to fly missile loaded drones over your house, I’m not sure how the Obamas are different than any other celebrity family. When the offspring put themselves in the spotlight, we report. I mean, not me, I’m not a fucking legitimate reporter. I’ m just a guy who wants to see Malia Obama in a tight top because that’s sick and wrong and you’re thinking the exact same thing.

In Europe, the press give great deference to their royals and leaders. If you publish an embarrassing photo of the royals, they still guillotine off your head and/or sue you in the Hague for eleven Euros. Thirty-seven thousand people were rounded up and shot when those Kate Middleton topless pictures got posted. God forbid anyone should see the sacred flapjacks of the future monarch. But we’re not supposed to do that here in America. This is the land of commoner governance. If the Obamas don’t want to see photos of their teen daughter dressed overly mature coming out of a celebrity hangout in Hollywood, maybe don’t have your teen daughter dressed overly mature coming out of a celebrity hangout in Hollywood. Fuck, you’re the Commander in Chief, you can handle a cranky teen daughter in the White House whining about being bored. I feel bad for Malia. She didn’t choose this life in the gilded cage. But lock this shit down and stop waving around your nuclear football finger to control the press. I don’t remember all the Amendments, but like most Americans I do remember the first one.

Photo credit: Splash News