Lindsay Lohan Sues Grand Theft Auto, GTA Kicks Her in the Legs

I’m sure Lindsay Lohan has an explanation for the cuts and nasty bruises on her legs. I’m sure it’s nothing close to the truth, which to be fair, she probably doesn’t remember. Lindsay turned 28 yesterday, which completely fucked over my ghoul pool bets. She celebrated the day by suing the shit out of Rockstar Games, claiming the ditzy slutty self-absorbed celebrity character Lacey Kunis in Grand Theft Auto V is based on her life story and likeness. Just on its face, that certainly seems plausible. GTA always maintains it uses no real people or locations in its games, though it renders a very close virtual approximation. In the game story line, the Lacey character visits what is clearly the Chateau Marmont and rushes into alleys saying shit like:

Can you give me a ride past them [the paparazzi], please? I’m hardly wearing any makeup. This is a disaster. I’m so fucking fat. How’s my hair? Do I look cute?

I don’t know. It’s shallow. But where’s the slurring and spoonerisms? Where’s the 50-year old named Dina Kunis who creeps up and steals her stash? As a juror, I’m probably going with jury nullification. Lindsay maybe employees two or three personal assistants slash hookup girls. But there’s an entire industry of jobs and livelihoods built up around mocking Lindsay Lohan. Our economy can’t suffer that kind of loss right now. Lindsay must sacrifice so that others might live. Though we could probably buy her some battered wife makeup for her legs.

Photo Credit: Splash