Selena Gomez Is Free From Justin Bieber’s Penis

Selena Gomez has been pretty quiet in recent weeks, at least since she left her rehab stint early to promote some film that nobody cared about at Sundance. Selena was in rehab because she was addicted to love, and she just couldn’t get enough of Justin Bieber‘s big, black dick, and she most recently tried to get over it by helping Orlando Bloom continue to pretend that he didn’t make the biggest mistake of his elven life by breaking up with Miranda Kerr. But now Selena’s on her own, as she claimed in this Instagram photo that she’s taking her power back, and she can’t wait to show us where she’s been. And if she’s been to an all-lesbian strip club for wet panties contests, I am ready to declare the bravest woman on the face of the planet.