Monica Lewinsky Is Finally Speaking

If you’re like me, you’ve been waiting patiently for sixteen years to hear the chubby intern speak. Who could believe the day would arrive when we can finally hear from the doughy minx who blew her boss.

I’ve decided, finally, to stick my head above the parapet so that I can take back my narrative and give a purpose to my past.

Well, that’s the worst beginning to a tawdry office sex story I’ve ever heard. Is this a real castle we’re talking about or the soft-cardboard block kind your parents put in your room and assured you would protect you from Hillary’s nipple lasers? Still, who can deny the star fucker a chance to take back her narrative. Who among us can say we didn’t gobble the cock of the wrong married man in our 20’s? You may cast the first stones.

Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship.

Huh? There goes thirty years of hard fought smelly feminism. Way to go, blue dress.

The Clinton administration, the special prosecutor’s minions, the political operatives on both sides of the aisle, and the media were able to brand me. And that brand stuck, in part because it was imbued with power.

It was also imbued with images of a dirty old man ramming his cigar up your sweaty twat. Marilyn Monroe managed to bang the married President without being branded anything other than a hot movie star. I guess there was less imbuing of power back in the early 60’s.

If you’re wondering why Monica is finally speaking after all these years, I mean, beyond taking back her narrative, it’s because of Tyler Clementi. Tyler was that kid at Rutgers who killed himself in 2010 after his shithole roommate secretly webcast him kissing another guy. The tragedy over a young person killing themselves out of sheer humiliation moved Monica so mightily she was determined to get herself a glamorous Vanity Fair pictorial within the next half-dozen years.

my own suffering took on a different meaning. Perhaps by sharing my story, I reasoned, I might be able to help others in their darkest moments of humiliation

Yes, whether you’re a deeply closeted gay teen humiliated for his sexuality in front of his entire school, or, you’re an ambitious intern begging your boss to splash his cum on your face, you’ve faced those dark moments. I’m sure the Clementi family wished you’d gone with the more self-serving cliche of racial injustice for your attempt to seem like a tragic character rising above your circumstances.

Monica’s full story won’t be out for a few more days, allowing Hillary time to confront her husband and tell him it’ll be another twenty-five years before she has sex with him again. Though she’ll reserve the right to finger stuff butch females who look sort of like him when he was Governor.