Kate Upton In Spandex Bikinis

I figured out why women feel so crappy about their bodies all the time. It only took me about thirty years after everybody else figured it out. It’s not because men are always criticizing the way they look. Because except for the few uncouth among us, we generally lie with pleasantries to get laid or because we loved our mothers and that would make them happy. I ran into a heavyset female acquaintance recently and I told her she looked fetching. I don’t even know what the fuck that word means, but I know it stings less than ‘enormous’. Women hate the way they look because other women are making them feel shitty. Snide comments, having the Thai girls in sweatshops cranking out designer wear for rail thin cotton ball eaters, and these magazines filled with Photoshopped images of Kate Upton in Lycra bikinis. Kate’s not a bad looking lady and she has some plump yabbos, but she’s not unblemished or uncheckered around the middle like these touched up photos in Vogue. Fucking hell, if I spent all my down time in waiting rooms flipping through magazines filled with air-brushed Adonis males and their crocodile abs, I’d be feeling pretty bloated too. I’d also be super duper gay. Women, start apologizing to other women for being so unrealistically demanding of each other. Do it now before I spank you.

Photo Credit: Vogue