Alec Baldwin Calmly Explains Schwinn-Gate

The difference between the asshole and the narcissist is about 140 characters. So it goes that Alec Baldwin took to Twitter to explain what really happened during his arrest yesterday for wrong-way biking and being a man-bitch to the cops.

I asked both police officers today to ticket me. If they contend that I asked for special treatment, they are lying. If you don’t have ID in NY when they write you a summons, they can take you in. Officer Moreno did not know me. Officer Weinstein did. Moreno shouted, ‘Let’s do this the right way!’ And handcuffed me. I told both officers I was happy to accept the summons and go. One officer seemed inclined toward that. Moreno did not. I think handcuffing some1 4 riding a bicycle in the wrong direction is ridiculous. Report of disorderly conduct is a distortion by Moreno.

Whoa, not so fast there, bloated biker boy. Do you realize how many people would have had to pretend to like you if you’d been killed riding the wrong way on Fifth Avenue? The Buzzfeed lists alone would have cost countless minutes of remotely employed journalism major time. Yes, law enforcement officers are bound by Isle of Manhattan constable code to know Alec Baldwin, and apparently Moreno fell short in this regard. Also, nobody can deny that the cops are out to get you. Along with the right wing media, your ex-wife, and Schamus the Red, the vengeful 16th century pirate who shadows your every move after your fifth cocktail. Still, you can’t go around calling the cops a bunch of liars. Especially when you keep referring to the the female officer as Moreno, even though her name is Montero. Alec deftly wrote that mistake off as him still being shaken from his false imprisonment and Spanish chicks all looking like the same fucking pain in the ass.