Taylor Swift’s Grotesquely Large Hands Headed to Broadway

I’m jumping the gun. Though influential fat film and now stage producer Harvey Weinstein has said he wants to create a Broadway show with Taylor Swift because he loves making money and people who pay to watch other people break into song on stage will sell their kids’ bone marrow for money to see Taylor Swift perform such magic. Upon news of Harvey’s desire, Taylor’s unusually long phalanges stretched another two centimeters as they do any time she receives praise or accolads. Just a few years ago Taylor had hands within two standard deviations of normal. But after so many honors, she now needs to wrap her Abdul-Jabbar fingers three times around her fret before she can finger a D chord. Within two more Adult Country Music Awards cycles she’ll be able to pluck coconuts from trees without a ladder and simultaneously choke three ex-boyfriends to death for not treating her like a twelve-year old girl. When future generations ask how the mutant wars got started, their disaffected high school teacher bots will hologram up an old jpeg of Taylor Swift using her right index finger to deep sea fish for halibut. It’s time to be scared.

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